(Not) Speaking Up

When people tell me that I can say whatever I am thinking and they won't judge my response, I don't believe them. But when I say that to other people I really do think I am telling the truth. The terror of being judged is more real and predictable than the tendency to judge, even though I'm sure they happen in equal amounts.

A Tubby Triumph

When I adopted Benny and Casey about four and a half years ago, they both weighed about 12 lbs. Pretty plump for cats, but they eventually got down to a good fighting weight of about 9 or 10 lbs. Last year Benny started mysteriously losing weight and rapidly dropped 4.5lbs- half of her body weight- in about a year. We never really figured out what was wrong with her, but after dozens of visits to various vets, she seems to be on the mend. And today when I went in to weigh her, she tipped the scales at a tubby 7lbs even!!! That's over a 2lb gain since Christmas!!! No one can account for the change, except that we stopped giving her all the pills that her first vet prescribed and let her eat kitty junk food instead of all that organic health crap. I almost started crying in the vets' office- about six months ago I was pretty sure that she wouldn't last this long, and now it looks like she's almost as good as new. Of course, now Casey is dropping weight for no apparent reason, but she's still heavier than Benny so I'll take a couple minutes to celebrate before starting the worry cycle all over again.

Isn't she gorgeous!?

Some Questions In My Mind Today

I have some things going through my mind today.

• Why is information presented in a graph more convincing to some people than information that is presented in deep and rich language?
• If someone knows what the answer to a survey question is supposed to be, does that mean that they really have learned the answer?
• Why do we justify practices that we don't necessarily believe in because people with money believe in them and to get the money we have to provide what they ask for?
• Why do I hate bubble-in surveys so much?
• Why do people use bubble-in surveys to try and convey the truth about individual experiences?
• Why did I just answer my own question?

Those are all 'why' questions. Last year someone I respect told me that we should never ask "Why?" as a reflective or critical question because if the students could answer it they wouldn't need the reflection. Instead I should have asked "how" or "what" questions.

• What do we try and communicate through program assessment?
• What makes us think that we can communicate it through statistics?
• How does thinking of children as numbers make funders/governmental officials feel successful?

And yet there is always one extra "why" question.

• Why am I so prickly about research and assessment?

In A House Without Chocolate

ZPJ and I just invented a new midnight-snacking game that involves Fresh-Ground Honey Roasted Peanut Butter, a fork, and the phrase "PB me".

2nd Grade vs. High School

Conversation matter tally for today:

MP3 Players
2nd Grade- 2
High School- 0

PS3 Players
2nd Grade-0
High School-4

Snacks/Hunger
2nd Grade- 2
High School- 8

Breakdancing
2nd Grade- 1
High School- 17

Motorcycles
2nd Grade- 3
High School- 0

Good Words

I like the word profiterole. I don't know where it came from, but it got stuck in my head and now I can't stop saying it. Profiterole. Profiterole. Profiteroleprofiteroleprofiterole...

OOO Yes

Today was spent in a masterclass on Commedia taught by a freaky awesome old Italian guy named Antonio Fava. He flipped and pranced and skulked and showed us all how to do the same. But the best part was how he would constantly talk about the Ooodience. "You have to talk to the Ooodience. You ARE the Ooodience!"

I really enjoyed the class, but I have to say that the company that put it on was EXTREMELY unprofessional. They showed up to let us in half an hour late (and it is too cold to have people waiting around on the street on Sunday morning) and didn't apologize and then two of the women sat in the back of the class (which was only ten people) and whispered and giggled for the first three hours. INCREDIBLY rude. I can't even imagine what they were thinking. Nicole finally went up to them at lunch and told them that she couldn't concentrate on the class when they were talking and would they please stop? They were appropriately shamed and shut up for the rest of the day. I wish I had the guts to confront people like that, but I prefer to talk about them behind their backs and then let Nicole do the confronting. But maybe tomorrow I'll write them a strongly worded letter. Until then: a strongly worded blog!!

Trouble

Got home late last night to find that one of my cats had been frustrated by a lack of attention and food and decided to take it out on the new couch. Fortunately she didn't rip the leather, but there is a nice two-paw scratch right in the middle of the back. I had it coming. So we picked up a scratching pad at Target tonight and got home to discover that it was covered with catnip. Hilarity ensued. Lots of kitty gymnastics. I can't stay mad.

Restless

I went in for a job interview. I have managed to convince myself that I need a more regular schedule, even though my time has really been filling up since I started the project. I've been doing more workshops in schools, and every project session is turning out to require hours and hours of planning before and log-writing afterwards, and yet I feel compelled to bring on more work. It seems like an interesting program with interesting workshops, and it would be on a regular weekly schedule, which is appealing. More even than wanting a job now, though, I want a job for next year so that I don't have to spend the summer worrying about what I'm going to do in the fall.

Being a teaching artist isn't a good job for those who crave consistency and stability in their careers. It is, however, a GREAT job for those who believe that 10 hours of hard work and 15 hours of commuting is as good as full time.

I was better last night at starting writing- I had gotten back from a pretty disastrous project session and I just plopped myself down on the couch with the laptop, which is not handling the Internet very well right now, and didn't even go to the desktop to check my emails and whatnot. It was good to actually get the work done within a reasonable amount of time and even better to be able to purge some of the ickiness left over from the session. Hopefully this tactic will work again.

Ritual

I need to create a ritual for myself for doing work- writing and such. Because right now my ritual is to sit at the computer and faff about doing shit like this for several hours before I get started. It's not efficient, and more often in not it results in frustration several hours later when I don't have anything done.

I like writing. But I hate starting to write.

The exciting thing that has happened today (and distracted me from working) was the arrival of our long-awaited couch. We ordered it at the beginning of December, oh-so-long-ago, and today it finally showed up, pillows and all!!! I swear, this couch will be the thing that gets me working. I'll plug in my laptop, bury myself in pillows and cats, and get to work! I know that I thought that the key to working was the new computer. And the new desk chair. And the new three-ring binder. But those were all full of false promises. The couch really is it.

Isn't it beautiful?

I'm serious, folks. I'm working...starting...right...now.

Happy Birthday, Dave!

The North Fork of Long Island is not exactly an exotic island get-away, but there are pros and cons to going wine tasting there in February.

Pro: The wine tasting rooms are almost deserted
Con: They are deserted because of the frigid, howling gales outside
Pro: It's Dave The Wine Guy's birthday, and if you visit him at Peconic Bay Winery you'll find him wearing a jaunty hat and pouring very liberally
Con: It's really, REALLY cold

So let's all pour a drink and celebrate the return of moderate weather!!!!

Happy Birthday, Dave The Wine Guy!!!

Last To Know

Apparently all the schools are on break all week. You would think that I would know this, seeing as I work in the schools and everyone I know works in the schools, but I figured it was just a coincidence that I have a bunch of training scheduled this week instead of workshops. I'm particularly confused why no-one at my project site said anything after the twelve times I said "see you next week" and "see you on Tuesday." Are they still having the after-school program despite the lack of school to be after? I won't know till tomorrow, I guess.

If they are closed, I guess I'll have to celebrate this unseen vacation. Y'all come over and we'll throw a party!

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Happy Year of the Boar!!!

Just got back from Chinatown- they celebrate the new year in style over there. Literally tons of confetti littering the streets.

ZPJ almost got eaten by a dragon, but otherwise it was great.

I wish my life involved more celebrations that featured firecrackers and confetti (hint hint hint for my birthday...)

The Good Bostonian

My brother-in-law JJ is down for the weekend and he and I were sitting in the living room this afternoon doing some work on the computers. Over and over, we keep hearing the wheels of a car spinning loudly on the ice in front of the apartment. It gets louder and more frequent, and finally we go to the window to look out at the excitement. "Wow," I say, "they really are stuck. Look- they're right on top of the snow bank! They're never getting out!" JJ agrees but then says "I'm going to go help them" and grab his jacket. "What???" I ask him. He heads outside to help push. I suddenly feel bad for being shocked at the suggestion of helping a neighbor out of a ditch. I mean, I might have to talk to them, and then what?!?!

This city has ruined me.

Comedy

Things About Theatre/Drama That Are Funny To Middle School Boys This Week:

• men touching men in performances
• guns+tigers
• the term "baby making machines"
• oral history
• tossing imaginary balls

Too Late

I failed to get my post in by midnight. But it was for a semi-good reason:

ZPJ did our taxes.

And I forgot.

Crap.

Well, I'm going to ignore this incident and keep going and I'm sure that in the end the judges will deem me unworthy, but I still need the challenge to be diligent.

Taxes: It's crazy how much more money people make when they are employed rather than students. Just for perspective- for 2006 we paid taxes that were about half of all that we earned in 2005. It's nice not to be dead-ass broke this year. For once.

Definitions

Snow Day n. A day on which people get called very early in the morning by their supervisors and are told not to go do what they were going to do all day because of snow and freezing rain (see "wintry mix") up in Connecticut. Results in people crawling back into bed with their loved ones and cats and sleeping for several more hours.

Cancellation Policy n. A policy that some companies, but not others, have which requires them to pay freelancers for contracted work if they cancel the work within a certain window of time. Absence of such a policy results in teaching artists who sit at home and sulk even though they are secretly happy that they have the day off.

Wintry mix n. A combination of snow and freezing rain that creates a *ping*ping*ping* noise against the windowpane when you are lying in bed and makes you very unhappy if you have to leave bed and go out in it and very happy if you do not. Results in radio broadcasters sounding half silly and half whimsical.

Not Crying

Well, I survived today, but I have to say that it was one of the hardest teaching days I've had in awhile. I had a rough pre-show workshop this afternoon with a poorly composed special needs class and some pretty shocking behavioral problems. I think I have just been spoiled lately, because in hindsight it wasn't really all that shocking- the kids just didn't want to be there and had no problem letting us know that- but I have had such delightful workshops lately that I had forgotten how jarring it is not to be welcome.

I headed straight from there to the after-school program, and I am simultaneously encouraged and discouraged. I think that the kids are actually interested in the project and seem to understand what I'm all about, but we don't actually have a room to work in, so they are either climbing over exercise equipment in the weight room or running around the cafeteria that has three other groups in it. Not ideal rehearsal environments. The kids were very easily distracted and I remembered how hard, how painfully hard it is to start a devising process. I feel so much more comfortable in a structured classroom where I have objectives and outcomes, and I am terrified by the moment of asking "so, what do you want to do a play about?" I have a lot of thinking to do before I go back on Thursday.

Between these two classes I facilitated for 2 hours and commuted for 5 hours. I am not sure if that is an acceptable ratio, but it is a realistic ratio. Tomorrow I'm getting sent up to Connecticut. I have to leave my house at 7:30am. I won't get home until after 6:30pm. I will be facilitating for 3 hours. I just don't know. The getting there is hard work.

What If...

What if today is a total disaster?

Today is the day I begin my thesis project. I hope. If they remember I'm coming. I went out last week to meet the kids and learn a little more about their program, and they are such very, very cool kids but the program is so very, very disorganized. I'm worried about, well, everything. I'm worried that they will forget I'm coming, that the kids won't show up, that I won't have a room to work in, but most of all I'm worried that all of those things will go just fine but that they just won't like my project and will have no interest whatsoever in being involved with it. And then what?

I'm preparing myself for a crying binge at the end of the day, but I'm really hoping it won't come to that.

Bake Sale Cookies

You heard it here first, folks, elementary school bake sales are the best bargain in the city for all your Valentines Day shopping. 25 cents for a cookie!!! 50 cents for a cupcake!!! With sprinkles!!! They say that New York is an expensive place to live, but "they" haven't spent much time up at PS 75 in the Bronx. Not kidding.

One thing that I love about elementary school: students wildly flail their arms above their hands, almost flinging themselves out of their seats in a bid to get you to call on them to answer the question, but once you do, they sheepishly smile, put their finger to their lips, and stare at the ceiling as they whisper "I forgot..."

Another thing I love: the small chairs.

And: lunch boxes.

Destruction

It turns out that, despite endless hours spent watching home improvement shows, we are incapable of installing shelves above the desk without tearing huge, gaping holes in the drywall. At least, not shelves that don't collapse under the slightest bit of weight and tear even bigger holes in the wall. Yes, we have drywall anchors. They just make the holes bigger.

I am frustrated because these shelves could seriously change my life. They would be useful for clearing up the desk area. I know this because they did exactly that before they fell onto my head from the weight of all my three-ring binders and left the first of several holes in the wall.

It shouldn't be this hard.

Speedy

This will be a quick post because I'm in the middle of a rousing game of Apples to Apples. I'm not winning yet, but I will be. Ryan was waving his arms around just now, shouting "Nothing human is speedier than vampires!!! Nothing!!!" He's right. I beat him with "flying monkeys." Okay- back to the game...

It Almost Happened

I met Wallace Shawn tonight in the aisle as I hurried to my seat, worried that I would be late. And I tried to think of something witty to say. But nothing came. And we had trouble finding our seats and he said "It's a test. If you can't find your seat, you don't deserve to see the show." And I said "yes, it's cruel but necessary." And I realized later that I should have said "Yes, it's cruel but just." But I didn't. Damnit. I almost had a chance to have drinks with Wally after the show and I totally blew it.

Trying To Get Something Started

It is really difficult to get six people to find a time that they can all meet on a weekly basis. Even on a one-time basis. I'm trying to get something started, a working ensemble of theatre practitioners who will get together and put stuff together, but at the moment we're having trouble just getting us together. But once we do, watch out!

I'm Lost All Over Again

It feels so good to be back. Screw all those Complainy Bitches out there who are not satisfied with what Jack and Sawyer and Locke have to give us. I love them. I love them a lot.

What to do...

I have no idea what to get ZPJ for Valentine's Day. I was going to get him the Install-Your-Own-Stripper-Pole kit that is in the window of the local "boutique" but space is already an issue at our place, and the only place that it would fit is in the kitchen. Which would be kind of weird. What are good Valentine's Day gifts? Chocolates? Lingerie? Jewelry? Teddy Bears? None of that really says "ZPJ" to me. Chocolates, maybe, but we are trying to lose some weight this winter (we're battling our bodies' desire to conserve) and neither of us need that shit laying around the house.

I usually pride myself on giving awesome, thoughtful gifts, but I am totally drawing a blank this year.

Doesn't she look like she's about to fall? And is that really the best place in the house?

ipj Isn't The Only Crafty One

I've been reclaiming my Rock-Star Housewife identity this week by quilting. Now, I should mention that I haven't quilted in about 9 years, and even then very poorly. So maybe I should refer to what I've been doing as "sewing" rather than "quilting" but either way its been a fun alternative to sitting around, staring at the computer screen, waiting for people to send me emails so that I can work. I made two blankets to send to my sister-in-law for her baby shower (I'm going to be an Auntie!) and now I've got the itch. I do not, however, have a sewing machine, so if I want to tackle any long term projects I'll have to get my own rather than borrowing Nicole's.

Yes. Those are sock monkeys.

I've also been spending a lot of time lately making fun of my cats. I think it's pretty easy to see why.

If you're wondering, she's after the lunch meats.

The Fever

Those of you in NYC- Wallace Shawn is performing The Fever this month. Tickets are $52.00, but if you go to this page, Ticket Central, and type in STUD when it asks for a promo code (I swear it is short for student), you can get tickets for $16.45. You get to drink champagne on stage with WS before the show!!! Get tickets for friday- I'll be there.

For those of you not in NYC- get your butts to a bookstore and buy a copy of The Fever and then be jealous.

Finally! Kinda...

So I finally tracked down the people who are supposedly inviting me to do my thesis project at their program. It only took three and a half weeks! It turns out that they are, in fact, still planning on having me do my project there, but they were dealing with vacations and staff turnover and didn't feel like starting in January like we had talked about. Which is actually fine, because I enjoyed not being stressed out this month, but I do wish they would have let me in on their plans.

So, I'm going out there today. Not to start, but to meet the kids and get a feel for what is going to happen and hopefully (fingers crossed) actually schedule a start date. I think it could be as soon as Thursday, but I'm not counting on anything until I get out there. I'm nervous because I've spent so much time planning and anticipating this project that I secretly don't actually want to start.

I've begun to suspect that even when this project starts I will not really be as busy as I like to be. I'm realizing that I'm more of a freak than I thought I was because even though I'm doing everything I want to be doing, I have some sort of lingering guilt about not being over-busy and over-stressed. So I'm applying for another teaching gig. It's only one afternoon a week, but hopefully that will help me have a little of the structure that I've been so gloriously/disastrously without.

Happiness Is...

The Most Amazing Grocery Store Ever.

Although, I have to say, I overestimated the influence of the freezing weather to drive away shoppers. It was very crowded indeed.

We took the Zip Car out for our big trip so that we could load up on the heavy stuff like cat litter and sparkling water. On the way back to the garage we noticed that the air was low in one of the tires. What to do? Everything is so wonderfully taken care of with the Zip Cars- I think I assume that they have people who daily check things like that- so we just dropped it back off with the tires low. I later began to suspect that in fact we were responsible for being good drivers and filling the tires ourselves and that actually we are big jerks.

Earlier in this post I made passing reference to the weather, but I feel like I should take a moment to emphasize that it is Butt Ass Cold outside. We're talking negative degrees with the wind chill. So much for the global warming.

Waiting

I had to wait in line at the express counter at the grocery store for twenty minutes today so that I could buy a $0.50 box of corn bread mix. I was angered.

I know that I should not go to C-Town on the weekends, but I always end up needing to, and it always results in an unreasonable wait.

So, tomorrow we are going to Fairway, The Grocery Store That Changed My World. I'll let you know how it goes.

Mixed Metaphors

I have always said that I cannot afford to cultivate my palate when it comes to wine. Beer? Sure. Cheese? Mostly. But good wine is expensive, and I'd rather enjoy with what I can afford. Better to be ignorant and happy than aware and disappointed.

If only I applied this maxim to my professional and educational life.

I have been blessed in the last few years to be working in challenging and rewarding environments, taking classes from talented and brilliant people, and having classmates and colleagues who push me to better my own practice and understanding. As a result, I have fairly high standards for professional excellence. I strive to reach those standards myself, and I am bolstered by the examples of the people I work with. This should be a good thing, right?

But then I find myself in a situation that is by no means bad, but by most means mediocre, and I become intensely disappointed. I become a Complainy Jane.

The training that I went through last weekend was very frustrating experience. I think the model that was being implemented is a useful and informative tool, but I was so exasperated by the way it was facilitated that I chewed through all the pens I used over the weekend. For one thing, there were seven facilitators. Yikes. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Well, no, they were all cooks and that was fine. But too many waiters serving what they cooked. Hmm...how far can I take this metaphor...several of the waiters were friendly and polite and genuinely pleased to see us enjoying the meal they had brought us. Others, however, hovered over the table, shooing the other waiters away, watching us eat, telling us what we tasted and what to think about each dish, defensively explaining why things were the way they were when we had a question about one of the ingredients, and suggesting how we might write our review of the meal. I was so distracted and upset by the way that we were being talked to that I couldn't focus on what they were serving.

Okay, I'm leaving the metaphor. I resent being lectured to about student-centered education when I am a student and have no way to participate in the discussion. I resent being told that reflection and questioning is essential for learning and then not being given the time to reflect. I resent having my opinions solicited and then having them filtered and restated by someone who is hearing what they want to hear. I resent posing a rhetorical question to a large group of my peers and being given the "right" answer by the facilitator. I resent having complex and subtle pedagogical issues boiled down simple tip-lists and then have it suggested that if I don't accept the tip-list it might be because I'm not smart enough to understand the issue.

It turns out that a good training model is not bad-facilitator proof (don't worry, ida, none of the transgressors are from your camp. Your camp was a delight). I did learn a lot this weekend about being a teaching artist and facilitator, but most of what I learned was from remembering what its like to be on the other side of the podium and how frustrating it is when one or two people's voices overtake an entire discussion.

See? I'm a Complainy Jane! I have had too much high-quality instruction and now I find problems and faults in everyone else. But unlike wine, I don't think that good learning environments are a luxury. I think it should be the base standard. So, am I snobby and elitist? Am I unable to be pleased? Maybe. I really did try to take responsibility for my learning and push through the bad communication styles to have a real discussion. But you, dear readers, get to hear about my frustrations.