The Guilt...

I haven't eaten red meat in 10 years (except for the occasional "let's not ask what this hot dog is made out of"). Most people that I dine with know this, but every now and then I find myself seated at a table when pasta is served with a meat sauce or the ribs turn out to be red instead of white, but I usually manage to tactfully fill up on rolls and rice and salad and no one is the wiser. I go out of my way NOT to be the person who makes an issue of their dietary preferences when someone else is cooking. And I don't not eat red meat out of principal, it's just the last vestiges of my long-ago-abandoned vegetarianism.

But this weekend my Aunt Terri invited us to her apartment for dinner- a special meal together since we hadn't seen each other at all over the holidays. And what does she cook? A simple and elegant meal featuring lamb chops. Big, juicy ones that were still rare at the bone. There was no one else there! It was just ZPJ and I! I know I've told her about the red meat thing in the past, but she obviously had forgotten! So, what do I do??? I eat the little lambie. I chew it up. Not the rare parts- I passed those on to ZPJ. But I ate one chop and I smiled and complimented the seasoning and somehow managed not to barf. It wasn't bad, and it's not like I don't eat pork several times a week, but lamb is just so...lambish. I'm sorry, Lamb Chops! I didn't want to eat you! But I just couldn't be a bad guest!

Dress Rehearsal

I didn't get the performance scheduling snafu at the school straightened out today, but we did a dress rehearsal anyway. I take little joy in admitting that I have succumbed to the standard line of 2nd graders along the edge of the stage so that they can all be seen and remember where to stand, but it was completely necessary since we only had one rehearsal on the actual stage, and I DO take joy in admitting that they are still effing cute. I'm treading that line so commonly trod in youth theatre - it doesn't look polished or professional, but they LOVE being on stage and the learned a lot while creating their performances, so is it a good thing or a bad thing? I say good, but I'm also not going to ask any of you to trek out to East New York to see them perform next week. 2nd grade performances should not be inflicted on anyone other than teachers and parents.

I thought when I set up this part-time office, part-time teaching system that I would have lots of times when I wasn't really working, but that hasn't turned out to be the case. Today is one of the rare days when I was able to come home in the afternoon rather than heading back to the office. Last August, at the 20th Anniversary of my 8th Birthday, MNS brought over some craft supplies and I've had them sitting on my desk for the last 5 months, waiting for that perfect opportunity to bring them back to her. Today I was digging through it and found some origami paper, so I'm spending my afternoon off sitting at the desk, folding origami fish and stars and boxes and watching online reruns of my favorite cast-away drama series in anticipation of the long-awaited but disastrously-truncated 4th season, which begins next week. Will they be rescued?!?! I'm making them an origami boat, just in case.

Grab Bag

I am starting to wonder if there are ever any easy schools. No matter how exciting the atmosphere, how passionate the principal, how engaging and approachable the teachers, how enthusiastic and positive the students, there is always a problem. Maybe the problem is a contact person who never returns calls. Maybe there are teachers who yell. Maybe the students punch each other or don't love drama. But there is always something that gets in the way of a successful residency.

I'm a little jaded about the problems facing the public school system, but I'm also wondering if there are possibly things that I can do to help troubleshoot potential problems. Things I have been trying:

• Aggressively pursuing open communication with teachers and principals
• Consistently enforcing behavior expectations with students at the beginning of EVERY session
• Sending out check-in emails and feedback/assessment requests
  
• Keeping accurate records and typed lesson plans and making sure my director has these as well

But these well-meaning strategies have not helped me in the last week as I've dealt with temper tantrums, yelling teachers, and miscommunication about performance schedules. So, here are my goals for tomorrow:

• One on one conversations with ALL teachers and administrators to check in about residency progress
• Preparation for the performance regardless that we don't actually have one scheduled
• Confirmation of all schedules, sharings, and goals for the rest of the residency
• Loving up the kids, even the ones that are yelling
  

Will it happen? No one knows.

I made it out and about in the big world today, but it was not pretty. Yikes. I was cloudy.

I'm heading to my residency in the morning, and I'm a little anxious about having enough energy. This school takes a lot of energy. A solid majority of the kids in my four classes are special needs students, and keeping their focus on track is no easy task. I'm like a one-woman show. Most of the groups are second graders, and I'm not going to lie to you- they are the cutest thing I have ever set eyes on. They love reading, they love life, and they love bees. No joke. Bees are, well, the bee's knees to these little guys. We've constructed an intricate drama world about worker bees, honey bees, nurse bees and, of course, the Queen, and this world is both magical AND educational! We're sharing some of our drama work for a parent audience in a couple weeks, so tomorrow is our first review rehearsal to go back and choose our favorite activities to recreate for an audience. I also anticipate some intense cuteness revolving around stage presence and vocal projection because they're second graders and no matter what they do on stage it is going to be precious and life-affirming. Which is what I need right now because it seems that the only thing I am immune to right now is DayQuil.

Day 4

I haven't left the apartment since Friday. Finally, my fever has gone away, so it's looking likely that I'm going to brave the big world tomorrow, but for today it's more moping, napping, and vacantly staring at the walls.

Highlights of my convalescence include:

• ZPJ has been very attentive, from gently petting my fevered brow to bringing home my favorite treat- coconut sorbet
• Benny has been very cuddly and spooned up to me for days at a time
• I'm catching up on the house-flipping shows I missed over the holidays

Lowlights include:

• Video-On-Demand has totally screwed my ambitions to watch Spiderman 3
• Netflix sent me a broken disk of a Coen brothers' movie
• Sugar-free cough drops are disgusting

I can't really breath all that well yet, but I'm determined to make it into work by tomorrow as long as I've gone 24 hours without a fever, so wish me luck!

Blech

I can't seem to stay healthy this winter. My weekend was all about:

• tissues
• cough syrup
• fluids
• bad cable tv
• napping
• cats
• thermometers
• coughing

I hate being sick.

Hump Day

Two big things have happened in the last week:

1. The primary season began and we were all gratified to learn that pollsters and pundits have absolutely no idea what they are talking about and that people still think for themselves about how they are going to vote rather than being told how to vote by the candidates and the media and the millions of dollars behind both. For an insight on all that money and who has what, check out HERE.
2. Jon and Stephen returned after a long strike break and made us all happy and then confused and then secretly wishing that they would just go away again until the writers returned with the funny. Welcome back, boys. Whydja do it?

Just because I love you, I leave you with these portraits of the creatures who tormented me all summer and fall and who promise to do so again once spring returns:

???

I was very vexed and provoked in the elevator on my way home from work today. I read about this:

Cars that drive themselves – even parking at their destination – could be ready for sale within a decade, General Motors Corp. executives say.

I'm sorry, but why will we need to have cars that drive without us? Where will they be going? I didn't realize that all our traffic problems were due to a lack of drivers.

ZPJ assures me that I'm missing the finer points, but I have yet to figure out what they are.

To Be or To Watch TV

I am noticing a reoccurring pattern.

When I am stressed out, anxious, when I feel that things are just out of my reach, I am also very productive.

When I have what I need, when I feel comfortable and happy, I am pretty useless.

I've been realizing lately that I'm just not doing things very well lately. I am not doing a bad job at anything, but I'm not really working very hard either. I do enough. I get the things done that need to get done. Things are not slipping. But neither are they moving ahead. Three examples:

1. I have a lovely home. It is beautiful and well-appointed and I have surrounded myself with things that make me comfortable and happy. I am very lucky in this. But do I ever clean my house? No, I do not. I pick up enough that I do not live in a shit mess and I keep things relatively tidy, but you will not catch me dusting or vacuuming unless someone that I want to impress is coming over. Even when I want my house to be clean, I would rather sit around and wish it were clean than actually clean it.
2. I like my jobs. I find them challenging but also affirming and I know that I do a pretty good job at them, but also I have been realizing lately that I'm really just not working as hard as I could be working. Am I working hard enough to do the job? Yes. Am I excelling? No. I want to excel. I want to be the best at what I do- ambition is not pretty but it got me where I am and now I seem to be completely without it.
3. I am a pretty creative person. I have lots of good ideas. I have the skills, training, and resources to bring these ideas to some sort of fruition. But do I? No, I do not. I just mull on them and then feel bad when they don't ever see the light of day.

I feel like I want to be more productive, but obviously I don't want to badly enough to actually put the work in. But maybe I don't have to be so productive all the time. Maybe it is okay not to feel stressed out and anxious.

So, here is the question: Am I going through a normal post-grad-school phase where I am weaning myself from a workaholic mindset and slowly getting used to a lifestyle that is more of a 20-year marathon rather than a 2-year sprint OR am I being a useless, lazy gadabout who needs to pull her shit together and get things done?

Home, Freezy Home

We returned to freezy NYC weather, as evidenced by our kitchen pipes freezing, then getting fixed, then re-freezing and busting open and melting all over our kitchen. Good news: it's warming up. Even Gooder News: the landlord is replacing our pipes AND the back door, which he discovered was drafty while fixing the pipes. We had known it was drafty for quite awhile, but hadn't bothered saying anything because we were under the assumption that all landlords were as negligent and apathetic as the last place.

Getting back to work has been a bit of a struggle. I am not so motivated as I thought I might be after the long break, and the jet lag has caused me to spend many hours staring at my wall rather than my computer. I did manage to achieve the modest list of tasks I assigned myself, however, and I have planned a restful weekend over which I can rest, relax, refocus, and get ready to face this new year. Wish me luck.

2008 Destinations

A year of resolutions in pictures...

FAQ's

Q: Why hasn't laurenj been posting since she left town?
A: Because babies are more fun than the internets.

Q: Why is laurenj really grumpy tonight?
A: Because she just wants to sleep in her own bed, FTLOG, and tonight she'll be sleeping on a plane instead.

Q: In which timezone did laurenj celebrate the dawn of 2008?
A: PST

Q: Did laurenj actually see the dawn?
A: Almost, but not quite.

Q: How many christmas ornaments does laurenj have in her suitcase?
A: Last count, seven, but they seem to be breeding.

Q: What have been the primary elements of laurenj's diet for the last two weeks?
A: Chocolate candies, chocolate drinks, cuties/satsumas/tangerines, and wine.

Q: What are some highlights of things that have happened to other people in the last two weeks?
A: A diamond ring and a new baby.

Q: What is laurenj looking forward to the most in the next twelve hours?
A: Cats.

Q: What is laurenj looking forward to the least in the next twelve hours?
A: Minnesota.