Taking a Break is Hard Work
I have had an unsettling feeling in my stomach ever since returning to Brooklyn. This feeling has seized me as I sit in my comfy chair, as I take long showers, and as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. It is the distinct feeling that I am leaving things undone. That I am neglecting my responsibilities. That I am falling behind.
I think I have this feeling because there are no things that have to be done, and I am without responsibilities at the moment. I can't really fall behind when I have nothing to accomplish. Oh, sure, in the wider scope of things there is still that little matter of the thesis, but heavens, I don't have to turn that in till June. So what am I to worry about in the meantime? Everything. The little bits of paperwork and details of formality that would normally not phase me are literally keeping me up at night.
I was able to set aside my habitual stress and anxiety over my delightful vacation but, since returning, these habits have come back with a vengeance. And I can't figure out how to get rid of them. Last year a nurse, concerned about my blood pressure, asked me how I deal with stress. "I get things done" I told her. But now there is nothing to get done. I think. I constantly suspect that I am forgetting something.
Technically, I am still on break. My school's classes don't restart until the 16th or something ridiculous like that. But I'm not even taking classes this term. All I have is my project, which I probably won't start for another week or two (I haven't set it up yet, exactly) and work, which is slow in coming. So I have huge expanses of empty spaces in my day planner which NEVER HAPPENS. What am I supposed to do with all this time? I should be working!!!
So, last night, I went with ZPJ to pick out a new office chair for our desk so that I don't just sit in the comfy chair with the laptop all day, and this morning we had the cable guy come and install high-speed Internet so that I don't have to pirate off of the neighbors' spotty connection anymore. I'm sitting here now with all the preparations made for some good work to be done, but there doesn't seem to be any to do.
The worst thing I could do at this point is panic and try to find something to do. Some part-time job to apply for or a project to commit to. That would screw me two months from now when my pre-existing part-time jobs and project really kick in. But I can't handle all the free time. I actually did the laundry today instead of just dropping it off!! Even the rugs!!! Am I going to turn into a housewife??? Never fear, ZPJ, that will never happen. I could be here all day, every day, and the place would never stay very clean. Instead, I write excessively long blog posts and go shopping online and take portraits of napping cats. Pretty soon I'll start alphabetizing and categorizing my three-ring binder collection.
Why is it so much harder for me to take a break at home than when I was away?
I think I have this feeling because there are no things that have to be done, and I am without responsibilities at the moment. I can't really fall behind when I have nothing to accomplish. Oh, sure, in the wider scope of things there is still that little matter of the thesis, but heavens, I don't have to turn that in till June. So what am I to worry about in the meantime? Everything. The little bits of paperwork and details of formality that would normally not phase me are literally keeping me up at night.
I was able to set aside my habitual stress and anxiety over my delightful vacation but, since returning, these habits have come back with a vengeance. And I can't figure out how to get rid of them. Last year a nurse, concerned about my blood pressure, asked me how I deal with stress. "I get things done" I told her. But now there is nothing to get done. I think. I constantly suspect that I am forgetting something.
Technically, I am still on break. My school's classes don't restart until the 16th or something ridiculous like that. But I'm not even taking classes this term. All I have is my project, which I probably won't start for another week or two (I haven't set it up yet, exactly) and work, which is slow in coming. So I have huge expanses of empty spaces in my day planner which NEVER HAPPENS. What am I supposed to do with all this time? I should be working!!!
So, last night, I went with ZPJ to pick out a new office chair for our desk so that I don't just sit in the comfy chair with the laptop all day, and this morning we had the cable guy come and install high-speed Internet so that I don't have to pirate off of the neighbors' spotty connection anymore. I'm sitting here now with all the preparations made for some good work to be done, but there doesn't seem to be any to do.
The worst thing I could do at this point is panic and try to find something to do. Some part-time job to apply for or a project to commit to. That would screw me two months from now when my pre-existing part-time jobs and project really kick in. But I can't handle all the free time. I actually did the laundry today instead of just dropping it off!! Even the rugs!!! Am I going to turn into a housewife??? Never fear, ZPJ, that will never happen. I could be here all day, every day, and the place would never stay very clean. Instead, I write excessively long blog posts and go shopping online and take portraits of napping cats. Pretty soon I'll start alphabetizing and categorizing my three-ring binder collection.
Why is it so much harder for me to take a break at home than when I was away?
posted by laurenj @ 3:04 PM
1 Comments:
I'm always a lot more freaked out during the summer than I am during the school year. Lauren, people like you and I aren't meant to have down time. My advice: start a massive project that you can worry about but which can be abandoned when real stuff gets in the way. Me, I start writing books. I don't finish them, generally, but I start lots of them. Someay I will retire and spend my waning years completing a library of unfinished books. People will be impressed with my productivity (if not the quality of my fiction) but you and I will know that it's just a desperate attempt to ward off the nagging sense that I should be getting more done on a daily basis. Of course, this is assuming that Noah gets a full ride to college and a high paying job to support me in my old age. Otherwise I'll organize my life by working as a greeter at Walmart. That will pay better than my writing.
(I'm 30 today. The Walmart job seems closer-at-hand.)
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